Happy Father’s Day! As I peruse the status messages on my social networks (ok, it’s just Facebook), I see all the “Happy Father’s Day” messages- but many of them have caveats, disclaimers, dispensations, exceptions, exemptions or extenuating circumstances attached to them.
Happy Father’s Day to the real Fathers. Happy Father’s Day to the fathers who are actually doing what they are supposed to be doing. Happy Father’s Day to the fathers who are dead-beats. Happy Father’s Day to all the single mothers who are both mother and father.
We don’t see that so much on Mother’s Day.
Just last week I was in Walmart looking for a Father’s Day card for my uncle (they are hard to find) and heard a familiar conversation. Two ladies were browsing the cards looking for just the right one. I’m not sure who the card was for but he was certainly a difficult man to find a card for. They kept rejecting cards because whatever lovely sentiment expressed on the card just wasn’t true for that person. He wasn’t there for her. He wasn’t this. He wasn’t that. At one point she wondered if there was a card that said she taught him more than he taught her. The conversation was familiar to me because it was the same one I’d have with myself when searching for a card for my dad each and every year until just recently- very recently. It wasn’t that I was trying to be cold or find a lack luster card; I just wanted the words on the card to be true. And in my mind saying he was the BEST dad ever just wasn’t truth.
It’s already been said by many people (mostly fathers) that Father’s Day just doesn’t get the same attention and recognition that Mother’s Day does. You can’t argue with that. It’s definitely true but why is that? Father’s Day seems to have been an afterthought. Why does there seem to be a need for all of the caveats placed on wishes for a happy Father’s Day? Why do the fathers who are not doing what they’re supposed to be doing seem to be the ones who come to mind when this day rolls around? Why do some single mothers feel the need to claim this day as theirs as well?
While the answers are not simple, they are certainly worth exploring if we’re to make the questions obsolete. The fact is Father’s Day is designated to honor fathers. Every one of us has or had one whether we agreed with how he held the position or not. Were it not for that particular man’s contribution, you would not be here. There is something to be said for honoring that. For in honoring the position of father, you also honor yourself and the part of the story that brought you here. Certainly though there are situations of abuse, mistreatment and toxic relationships which in spite of all efforts to heal are just irreconcilable. Sometimes we just have to forgive (yes, forgive) and accept the fact that certain relationships are just too toxic for our growth. But even in those situations holding on to the wrong that was done to us does not serve us. At some point we have to learn from the past and stop living in it. But that's another topic and another post altogether.
Then of course, somehow, we have created a world in which fathers are expected to be absent and women are expected to be single parents. When I say we, I mean all of us, women and men. There are men who have not stepped up to the plate in fulfilling their responsibilities as fathers. Even worse than leaving a woman, they left their children, their own flesh and blood. Some left completely with no financial support, time spent or any remnant of their presence. Others contributed child support but nothing in the way of time spent, lessons taught or love given. And, there are women who chose those men to father their children. Yes, ladies we choose them. I’m a firm believer that (except for children) we create our circumstances and our lives. So each one of us has developed whatever set of beliefs necessary to achieve the exact life we have right now. I’m not sure what we’re creating now but it can certainly be changed if we choose to do so. If we choose not to make changes, we can be certain the "daddy issues" will continue.
I wonder if next Father’s Day will be different.
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