The Power of Words

It's been said many times, many ways- no, not Merry Christmas.  I'm talking about the fact that the words you speak create your reality.  Whether you call it Proverbs 18:21 (Death and life are in the power of the tongue) or the Law of Attraction, the principle is the same.  It's been said so many times, so many ways because it's so true.
I want to address specifically how the power of language as it relates to relationships between men and women- even more specifically how women speak about men.  Women, talk shows, chick flicks and books have been accused of male bashing.  I'm not even going to deny it.  I don't have to go very far to hear a woman downing men.  Our co-workers do it; we do it in groups on girls' night out; we do it at the hair salon.

• Men are dogs
• Men are crazy
• Men are liars
• Men cheat
• Just like a man
• Men ain't sh*t

These are the adjectives and phrases used often when women speak of significant others, husbands, baby daddies, fathers, cut buddies and other male figures.  That's just the tip of the iceberg.  It gets much worse than that.  I don't think most of it is malicious though.  I think many times it may stem from aggravation, hurt or a general lack of understanding of male behavior.  Even though we've learned that men and women communicate differently, women sometimes still don't understand the male way of communicating or being in a relationship.  Sometimes we have legitimate reasons for being confused or angry. Other times it's because we've analyzed, dissected and evaluated a man's words and behavior to death- far beyond what he actual meant- which was "hello."
Regardless of how it starts, this language is so damaging to all parties involved- the speakers, hearers and subjects.  This quote from Calling In The One by Katherine Woodward Thomas sums it up:

If you complain that 'all the good ones are taken,' then you'll probably meet only married or engaged people that you are attracted to.  If you believe in your heart that you'll never find true love, then my guess is that you'll probably be right.  'I thought you would never get here.' [she] said.  ' I know, and that's what took me so long...' writes Marianne Williamson.

So, we dog men out, complain about them, slander their names and those are the very men we wind up meeting and later entangled with and repeating the same cycle with.  That's powerful!  It's bad enough that adult women do it but we teach girls to think, talk and manifest this way as well.  Let's go back to square one.  Before male and female we are all human- all divinely created for the same purpose with the same value.  Then we have different roles.  One is incomplete without the other; neither is better than the other.  We need each other.  I often wonder when I hear women complaining about men- do you like men?  Listening to the animosity and absolute venom coming from them, one would think they despise men.  I doubt that is actually the case (consciously) but the consequences are the same.
I love men!  I love everything about how God created them- strong, protectors, loving, kind, kings, leaders.  I love how they fix things, kill scary bugs, open tight jars, lift heavy objects, navigate trips (even if they won't stop for directions), stand up for women and children, live and breathe sports, open doors, head households and all the other things God created them to do perfectly.  I love how they think differently than I do even if I don't always understand or agree.  I love how they balance and complement my divinely feminine, emotional, nurturing, intuitive way of being.  Of course, some of them make me mad, hurt my feelings, irritate me, lie, break promises, disappoint me or don't meet my expectations.  Then again, so I do and as do most people (women included)- not intentionally of course.  It doesn't warrant maligning an entire sex and it certainly isn't worth the malevolence that those words and thoughts invite into our lives.
So, when I'm upset or confused and tempted to lash out with vicious generalizations about men, I remember two things: 1) my own flaws 2) my deep, trusting, hopeful, persevering, forgiving, unfailing love for men.  I consciously choose to invite the people and circumstances I desire into my life with the words I speak, the thoughts I have and the conversation I choose to be a part of.
Much love ♥

All dressed up with the wrong accessories

Women are known for taking a long time to get ready.  Yes, men sometimes complain about this fact but it's unlikely to change.  You have to understand all that goes into the entire process.  There's hair, clothing, make-up, accessories, skincare and so many details involved in just those areas alone.  Yes we bought all of those clothes in the closet; so technically we should like all of them.  But, we must choose the perfect outfit for the occasion and it must be one that makes us feel beautiful.  And it's not just the outfit that must be considered.  A woman has to choose just the right underwear to compliment the outfit she's wearing, conceal pantylines, boost bosoms and give her that extra little umph.  I really don't think men have any idea the lengths women go to to stay beautiful, get glam and turn heads.  Most men would be appalled and frightened at hair removal alone! 

So, you can understand why "fine" is not the answer we're looking for when we ask how we look. 

As a woman, I understand all of this- the preparation, the extra swing in our hips, smile on our lips and stride in our steps when all that preparation does not go unnoticed.  What I do not understand is why a woman would go to all that trouble to look flawless and fabulous only to ruin her look with a "stank" attitude when she receives attention.  I see it and hear about it all of the time.  Women know they look good going out for a night on the town with their girlfriends but when they are approached by a man, especially one who is not their ideal, but any man really, the attitude goes full tilt.  A man may approach just to say hello or give her a compliment.  Her eyes roll, head turns and her neck may even snap as if she is annoyed that this lowly, trifling man (whom she knows nothing about) had the audacity to approach her majesty when he should have known to just admire her from afar like the rest of the peasants.  Instead of smiling and saying thank you, she mutters something to make sure he knows that his attention is more unwelcome than a mink coat in the desert. 

This may be a problem with all women but I am speaking specifically to my African American sisters who seem to be angry with attitude for no reason.  Usually when someone is recounting one of these stories to me or when I observe it firsthand, I'm thinking, "Why in the heck didn't you just wear sweatpants and a t-shirt or better yet just stay home?"  That's guaranteed to keep all the undesirables far away from you.  It's just not logical.  No one is saying you have to marry or even date every man who speaks to you.  Just have some common courtesy to treat every man, every person with respect and kindness.  Practice (yes, practice) being gracious, feminine, open and approachable.  If these qualities do not come naturally to you, you must practice.  Every compliment received and word spoken to you is an opportunity to practice- and improve your karma.

Although these women may act as if the world revolves around them and they are it on a stick, I tend to think that internally they feel quite the opposite.  If I feel good about myself and who I am there's no need to lash out at other people.  There's a serious lack of self-love going on in my opinion- yes, and in some cases a bit of narcissism and snobbery.  I don't care how good you think you look, how expensive your clothes are or how perfect your beauty regimen is- it's all ruined by a negative, angry attitude.  Love, joy, gratitude and kindness must be abundant within to radiate without and that radiance is the most priceless fashion accessory we can adorn ourselves with.

Just Say No to a Pre-Nup

Not long ago a friend asked me if I would sign a prenuptial agreement if asked by my fiance.  I paused for a moment to at least appear to give it some thought before I answered no.  He (yes, he) then told me why he didn't like my answer.  He said that made it look like I was out to get what he had and that if the marriage didn't work out everyone should just walk away with what they had.  I listened attentively even though I'd heard that reasoning before.  I completely get that people don't want to be taken to the cleaners in the event the marriage goes sour and ends in divorce.  While marriage does involve a sort of business partnership, it is not supposed to be solely a business investment whereby people enter into it for the purpose of acquiring assets.

My answer came from a different slightly perspective though.  I think it's quite indicative of the culture we live in and the state of marriage that people immediately think of "if it doesn't work out."  Divorce is so commonplace that marriage is hardly viewed as a "til death do us part" covenant anymore.  For many people divorce is an option, an escape or a solution that is on the table even before the "I do"'s are said.  They may not speak of it to each other but in order for there to be a pre-nup it has to be on someone's mind.  I don't think this has always been the case.  Way back when I don't think divorce was as common an option as it is now and people entered into marriage with no expectation of an "end date."  Of course that could be bad in some cases as there are certainly situations where people need to separate and cut ties.  But, by and large divorce is entered into much more casually.  You should begin with the end in mind.  If you begin with failure in mind, what does that say about where you're headed?   

I would not sign a pre-nup because divorce will not be an option.  I fully expect there will be problems, issues, disagreements, fights, ups, downs, etc. I also fully expect that through all of that at the end of every day we will stay married come hell or high water.  We may not like each other very much on some of those days but doggone it we will still be married and work it out.  No, I'm not living in some Pollyanna world with rose-colored glasses on and my head in the sand.  I know I can't predict the future and something could happen to make me want a divorce.  That's all the more reason not to prepare for one from the beginning as far as I'm concerned.  If something catastrophic should happen (abuse, criminal activities, etc.) divorce lawyers aren't in short supply- even without a pre-nup.

Another reason I say no to a pre-nup is to make divorce difficult if ever it did come up.  Yes, you read that right.  People (men and women) might give staying married more consideration if getting divorced might cost them half of what they have.  Again, it's certainly not my desire to take what he has but I bet he'd think twice about signing the papers if he knew they might be one of the consequences of divorce.  If my intention upon getting married is to stay married permanently, why then would I want to make it easier for either of us to leave the marriage?  Again, I'm not talking about life-threatening or traumatic events like abuse or discovering he's an ax-murderer hiding body parts in the freezer.  In those cases, I guarantee you I won't be concerned about trying to get what he's got so much as just trying to get the heck away.  My point is that divorce is so perfunctory, careless and common and if the possibility of losing one's assets makes one think twice about ending a marriage, no pre-nup for me.  Some would say the high divorce rate indicates that marriage has become obsolete. I disagree.  Certainly it's not for everyone and that's okay. I think rather that it's a bigger indicator that we aren't honoring marriage and maybe entering into it too lightly.

My friend said he never thought about it that way.

Much love ♥

Love and happiness aren't for everyone

I recently ran across a blog post (not a recent one) complaining about the show "Down Home with the Neely's" on Food Network.  The author seemed to feel the Neely's were just too affectionate with one another with all their pet names and lovey-dovey banter ever so sweetly delivered with the cutest southern drawl.  The writer even said they were "not quite food porn" but might be a little too hot for TV.  When I went to search for the blog again, I ran across some message boards with similar comments. 

A scowl made its way to my face as I read the blog.  I can truly say it's not because I'm a die-hard fan of the Neely's.  While I have seen the show a few times, I don't even have cable.  So, I'm certainly not an avid fan.  The author suggested all their affection was a bit much for the Food Network and the powers that be might want to slap a PG rating on the show.  Really?  Really!

Have we become so stiff, unloving, cold, rigid and down right prudish?  I really hope not.  I hope that most of the people who read that blog (if anyone else did) disagreed with it as fervently as I did.  Yes, I know we must keep salacious sex and violence away from the kiddies and educate them on the dangers of unprotected sex, sex before marriage, sexually transmitted diseases, etc.  But this is a happily married couple (or at least they appear to be) showing their love and affection for each other.  There's no nudity or profanity involved.  Even the most religious, rigid rule-followers shouldn't object to that.  Yet, we have no problem with gratuitous violence in movies and even on TV or even sending the kids off to see those movies.  There's a reason some people are so uncomfortable with love and affection and more comfortable with violence and drama.

This is how all husbands and wives should behave in front of their children so they will know what love looks like.  Children imitate what they are shown. They learn what their parents teach them.  If we teach them love is a piece of paper that says we're married and give each other gifts on major holidays but don't show affection toward each other, that's a mighty dysfunctional lesson to pass on.  Sounds like some major hating going on to me- especially when all the high-tech televisions nowadays make it so easy to change the channel. 

Maybe it's not the affectionate behavior of the Neely's that really bothered the blogger but rather the Neely's themselves (as opposed to if it had been Paula Deen and her husband).  But that is another topic and post altogether.
Anyway, I choose to embrace love rather than hate on it.  I embrace what I embody and what I desire.

Father's Day

Happy Father’s Day!  As I peruse the status messages on my social networks (ok, it’s just Facebook), I see all the “Happy Father’s Day” messages- but many of them have caveats, disclaimers, dispensations, exceptions, exemptions or extenuating circumstances attached to them.

Happy Father’s Day to the real Fathers.  Happy Father’s Day to the fathers who are actually doing what they are supposed to be doing.  Happy Father’s Day to the fathers who are dead-beats.  Happy Father’s Day to all the single mothers who are both mother and father.

We don’t see that so much on Mother’s Day.

Just last week I was in Walmart looking for a Father’s Day card for my uncle (they are hard to find) and heard a familiar conversation.  Two ladies were browsing the cards looking for just the right one.  I’m not sure who the card was for but he was certainly a difficult man to find a card for.  They kept rejecting cards because whatever lovely sentiment expressed on the card just wasn’t true for that person. He wasn’t there for her.  He wasn’t this.  He wasn’t that.  At one point she wondered if there was a card that said she taught him more than he taught her. The conversation was familiar to me because it was the same one I’d have with myself when searching for a card for my dad each and every year until just recently- very recently.  It wasn’t that I was trying to be cold or find a lack luster card; I just wanted the words on the card to be true.  And in my mind saying he was the BEST dad ever just wasn’t truth. 

It’s already been said by many people (mostly fathers) that Father’s Day just doesn’t get the same attention and recognition that Mother’s Day does.  You can’t argue with that.  It’s definitely true but why is that?  Father’s Day seems to have been an afterthought.  Why does there seem to be a need for all of the caveats placed on wishes for a happy Father’s Day?  Why do the fathers who are not doing what they’re supposed to be doing seem to be the ones who come to mind when this day rolls around?  Why do some single mothers feel the need to claim this day as theirs as well? 

While the answers are not simple, they are certainly worth exploring if we’re to make the questions obsolete.  The fact is Father’s Day is designated to honor fathers.  Every one of us has or had one whether we agreed with how he held the position or not.  Were it not for that particular man’s contribution, you would not be here.  There is something to be said for honoring that.  For in honoring the position of father, you also honor yourself and the part of the story that brought you here.  Certainly though there are situations of abuse, mistreatment and toxic relationships which in spite of all efforts to heal are just irreconcilable.   Sometimes we just have to forgive (yes, forgive) and accept the fact that certain relationships are just too toxic for our growth.  But even in those situations holding on to the wrong that was done to us does not serve us.  At some point we have to learn from the past and stop living in it. But that's another topic and another post altogether.

Then of course, somehow, we have created a world in which fathers are expected to be absent and women are expected to be single parents.  When I say we, I mean all of us, women and men.  There are men who have not stepped up to the plate in fulfilling their responsibilities as fathers.  Even worse than leaving a woman, they left their children, their own flesh and blood.  Some left completely with no financial support, time spent or any remnant of their presence.  Others contributed child support but nothing in the way of time spent, lessons taught or love given.  And, there are women who chose those men to father their children.  Yes, ladies we choose them.  I’m a firm believer that (except for children) we create our circumstances and our lives.  So each one of us has developed whatever set of beliefs necessary to achieve the exact life we have right now.  I’m not sure what we’re creating now but it can certainly be changed if we choose to do so.  If we choose not to make changes, we can be certain the "daddy issues" will continue.

I wonder if next Father’s Day will be different.

Spoiled

As an only child, I'm often asked if I'm spoiled.  As a matter of fact, people don't usually ask, they simply state that I must be spoiled.  I never hesitate to answer no or disagree because while I did in fact have most everything I wanted as a child, I never placed much value on material things.  I never threw tantrums when I could not get what I wanted and later in my teens, material things were not as easy to come by in my family.  However, thinking about it now, I would say that I was spoiled in one specific way- and that was when it came to having my own time and space.  I was and still am very accustomed to having my own space and not having to share that space with anyone else if I choose not to.  I don't mean to say that I like being alone all the time but when I do want time to myself, I want it right then.  I dislike being around people, especially a lot of people, for extended periods of time.  So, yes in that way I guess I am spoiled.
Although everyone is not an only child, I believe many of us have become quite solitary.  I'm currently reading a book Calling In the One: 7 Weeks to Attract the Love of Your Life by Katherine Woodward Thomas.  It's more of a course than it is just a book just to read.  Right now I'm on Week 4 but Week 2 was so profound that I had to share some thoughts on the lessons contained in it.  Thomas writes about the peculiar isolation that human beings live in, especially in the west as compared to some eastern cultures.  Although I've honestly never thought about this, it resonated so strongly when I read it.

She writes:

For though it may seem that we Westerners place a high priority on love, in truth, we don't.  In spite of our plethora of love songs, romantic comedies, and romance novels, we're basically a "me first, you later" society.  I would even suggest that our preoccupation with romantic love is a symptom of our inner poverty.  In Gila: Life and Death of an American River, author Gregory McNamee writes An anthropologist once asked a Hopi why so many of his people's songs were about rain.  The Hopi replied, "Because water is so scarce.  Is that why so many of your songs are about love?"

I can't argue with the fact that overall we tend to be a self-absorbed culture so constantly focused on the individual and rarely focused on others and the community.  So, perhaps it is true that our solitary existence has left us thirsty for love and the unity of being one with another.  Often, even when we find the love we seem so obsessed with, we are still focused keenly on "what's in it for me" rather than the virtue and benefit of loving without expectations.  Thomas likens the obsession with falling in love as opposed to sustaining love to stopping at foreplay.
So with all our high ideals and noble quests for romantic love, heart-wrenching love songs and happily ever after movies, how open are we to love?  I don't just mean Eros- that butterflies in your stomach, fireworks when you kiss, romantic love- but also Philos and Agape (not just from God to man but among all people).  Perhaps if we embraced and embodied a higher love we would see that all are truly one.
Much love ♥