Just Say No to a Pre-Nup

Not long ago a friend asked me if I would sign a prenuptial agreement if asked by my fiance.  I paused for a moment to at least appear to give it some thought before I answered no.  He (yes, he) then told me why he didn't like my answer.  He said that made it look like I was out to get what he had and that if the marriage didn't work out everyone should just walk away with what they had.  I listened attentively even though I'd heard that reasoning before.  I completely get that people don't want to be taken to the cleaners in the event the marriage goes sour and ends in divorce.  While marriage does involve a sort of business partnership, it is not supposed to be solely a business investment whereby people enter into it for the purpose of acquiring assets.

My answer came from a different slightly perspective though.  I think it's quite indicative of the culture we live in and the state of marriage that people immediately think of "if it doesn't work out."  Divorce is so commonplace that marriage is hardly viewed as a "til death do us part" covenant anymore.  For many people divorce is an option, an escape or a solution that is on the table even before the "I do"'s are said.  They may not speak of it to each other but in order for there to be a pre-nup it has to be on someone's mind.  I don't think this has always been the case.  Way back when I don't think divorce was as common an option as it is now and people entered into marriage with no expectation of an "end date."  Of course that could be bad in some cases as there are certainly situations where people need to separate and cut ties.  But, by and large divorce is entered into much more casually.  You should begin with the end in mind.  If you begin with failure in mind, what does that say about where you're headed?   

I would not sign a pre-nup because divorce will not be an option.  I fully expect there will be problems, issues, disagreements, fights, ups, downs, etc. I also fully expect that through all of that at the end of every day we will stay married come hell or high water.  We may not like each other very much on some of those days but doggone it we will still be married and work it out.  No, I'm not living in some Pollyanna world with rose-colored glasses on and my head in the sand.  I know I can't predict the future and something could happen to make me want a divorce.  That's all the more reason not to prepare for one from the beginning as far as I'm concerned.  If something catastrophic should happen (abuse, criminal activities, etc.) divorce lawyers aren't in short supply- even without a pre-nup.

Another reason I say no to a pre-nup is to make divorce difficult if ever it did come up.  Yes, you read that right.  People (men and women) might give staying married more consideration if getting divorced might cost them half of what they have.  Again, it's certainly not my desire to take what he has but I bet he'd think twice about signing the papers if he knew they might be one of the consequences of divorce.  If my intention upon getting married is to stay married permanently, why then would I want to make it easier for either of us to leave the marriage?  Again, I'm not talking about life-threatening or traumatic events like abuse or discovering he's an ax-murderer hiding body parts in the freezer.  In those cases, I guarantee you I won't be concerned about trying to get what he's got so much as just trying to get the heck away.  My point is that divorce is so perfunctory, careless and common and if the possibility of losing one's assets makes one think twice about ending a marriage, no pre-nup for me.  Some would say the high divorce rate indicates that marriage has become obsolete. I disagree.  Certainly it's not for everyone and that's okay. I think rather that it's a bigger indicator that we aren't honoring marriage and maybe entering into it too lightly.

My friend said he never thought about it that way.

Much love ♥