The Power of Words

It's been said many times, many ways- no, not Merry Christmas.  I'm talking about the fact that the words you speak create your reality.  Whether you call it Proverbs 18:21 (Death and life are in the power of the tongue) or the Law of Attraction, the principle is the same.  It's been said so many times, so many ways because it's so true.
I want to address specifically how the power of language as it relates to relationships between men and women- even more specifically how women speak about men.  Women, talk shows, chick flicks and books have been accused of male bashing.  I'm not even going to deny it.  I don't have to go very far to hear a woman downing men.  Our co-workers do it; we do it in groups on girls' night out; we do it at the hair salon.

• Men are dogs
• Men are crazy
• Men are liars
• Men cheat
• Just like a man
• Men ain't sh*t

These are the adjectives and phrases used often when women speak of significant others, husbands, baby daddies, fathers, cut buddies and other male figures.  That's just the tip of the iceberg.  It gets much worse than that.  I don't think most of it is malicious though.  I think many times it may stem from aggravation, hurt or a general lack of understanding of male behavior.  Even though we've learned that men and women communicate differently, women sometimes still don't understand the male way of communicating or being in a relationship.  Sometimes we have legitimate reasons for being confused or angry. Other times it's because we've analyzed, dissected and evaluated a man's words and behavior to death- far beyond what he actual meant- which was "hello."
Regardless of how it starts, this language is so damaging to all parties involved- the speakers, hearers and subjects.  This quote from Calling In The One by Katherine Woodward Thomas sums it up:

If you complain that 'all the good ones are taken,' then you'll probably meet only married or engaged people that you are attracted to.  If you believe in your heart that you'll never find true love, then my guess is that you'll probably be right.  'I thought you would never get here.' [she] said.  ' I know, and that's what took me so long...' writes Marianne Williamson.

So, we dog men out, complain about them, slander their names and those are the very men we wind up meeting and later entangled with and repeating the same cycle with.  That's powerful!  It's bad enough that adult women do it but we teach girls to think, talk and manifest this way as well.  Let's go back to square one.  Before male and female we are all human- all divinely created for the same purpose with the same value.  Then we have different roles.  One is incomplete without the other; neither is better than the other.  We need each other.  I often wonder when I hear women complaining about men- do you like men?  Listening to the animosity and absolute venom coming from them, one would think they despise men.  I doubt that is actually the case (consciously) but the consequences are the same.
I love men!  I love everything about how God created them- strong, protectors, loving, kind, kings, leaders.  I love how they fix things, kill scary bugs, open tight jars, lift heavy objects, navigate trips (even if they won't stop for directions), stand up for women and children, live and breathe sports, open doors, head households and all the other things God created them to do perfectly.  I love how they think differently than I do even if I don't always understand or agree.  I love how they balance and complement my divinely feminine, emotional, nurturing, intuitive way of being.  Of course, some of them make me mad, hurt my feelings, irritate me, lie, break promises, disappoint me or don't meet my expectations.  Then again, so I do and as do most people (women included)- not intentionally of course.  It doesn't warrant maligning an entire sex and it certainly isn't worth the malevolence that those words and thoughts invite into our lives.
So, when I'm upset or confused and tempted to lash out with vicious generalizations about men, I remember two things: 1) my own flaws 2) my deep, trusting, hopeful, persevering, forgiving, unfailing love for men.  I consciously choose to invite the people and circumstances I desire into my life with the words I speak, the thoughts I have and the conversation I choose to be a part of.
Much love ♥

Just Say No to a Pre-Nup

Not long ago a friend asked me if I would sign a prenuptial agreement if asked by my fiance.  I paused for a moment to at least appear to give it some thought before I answered no.  He (yes, he) then told me why he didn't like my answer.  He said that made it look like I was out to get what he had and that if the marriage didn't work out everyone should just walk away with what they had.  I listened attentively even though I'd heard that reasoning before.  I completely get that people don't want to be taken to the cleaners in the event the marriage goes sour and ends in divorce.  While marriage does involve a sort of business partnership, it is not supposed to be solely a business investment whereby people enter into it for the purpose of acquiring assets.

My answer came from a different slightly perspective though.  I think it's quite indicative of the culture we live in and the state of marriage that people immediately think of "if it doesn't work out."  Divorce is so commonplace that marriage is hardly viewed as a "til death do us part" covenant anymore.  For many people divorce is an option, an escape or a solution that is on the table even before the "I do"'s are said.  They may not speak of it to each other but in order for there to be a pre-nup it has to be on someone's mind.  I don't think this has always been the case.  Way back when I don't think divorce was as common an option as it is now and people entered into marriage with no expectation of an "end date."  Of course that could be bad in some cases as there are certainly situations where people need to separate and cut ties.  But, by and large divorce is entered into much more casually.  You should begin with the end in mind.  If you begin with failure in mind, what does that say about where you're headed?   

I would not sign a pre-nup because divorce will not be an option.  I fully expect there will be problems, issues, disagreements, fights, ups, downs, etc. I also fully expect that through all of that at the end of every day we will stay married come hell or high water.  We may not like each other very much on some of those days but doggone it we will still be married and work it out.  No, I'm not living in some Pollyanna world with rose-colored glasses on and my head in the sand.  I know I can't predict the future and something could happen to make me want a divorce.  That's all the more reason not to prepare for one from the beginning as far as I'm concerned.  If something catastrophic should happen (abuse, criminal activities, etc.) divorce lawyers aren't in short supply- even without a pre-nup.

Another reason I say no to a pre-nup is to make divorce difficult if ever it did come up.  Yes, you read that right.  People (men and women) might give staying married more consideration if getting divorced might cost them half of what they have.  Again, it's certainly not my desire to take what he has but I bet he'd think twice about signing the papers if he knew they might be one of the consequences of divorce.  If my intention upon getting married is to stay married permanently, why then would I want to make it easier for either of us to leave the marriage?  Again, I'm not talking about life-threatening or traumatic events like abuse or discovering he's an ax-murderer hiding body parts in the freezer.  In those cases, I guarantee you I won't be concerned about trying to get what he's got so much as just trying to get the heck away.  My point is that divorce is so perfunctory, careless and common and if the possibility of losing one's assets makes one think twice about ending a marriage, no pre-nup for me.  Some would say the high divorce rate indicates that marriage has become obsolete. I disagree.  Certainly it's not for everyone and that's okay. I think rather that it's a bigger indicator that we aren't honoring marriage and maybe entering into it too lightly.

My friend said he never thought about it that way.

Much love ♥

Love and happiness aren't for everyone

I recently ran across a blog post (not a recent one) complaining about the show "Down Home with the Neely's" on Food Network.  The author seemed to feel the Neely's were just too affectionate with one another with all their pet names and lovey-dovey banter ever so sweetly delivered with the cutest southern drawl.  The writer even said they were "not quite food porn" but might be a little too hot for TV.  When I went to search for the blog again, I ran across some message boards with similar comments. 

A scowl made its way to my face as I read the blog.  I can truly say it's not because I'm a die-hard fan of the Neely's.  While I have seen the show a few times, I don't even have cable.  So, I'm certainly not an avid fan.  The author suggested all their affection was a bit much for the Food Network and the powers that be might want to slap a PG rating on the show.  Really?  Really!

Have we become so stiff, unloving, cold, rigid and down right prudish?  I really hope not.  I hope that most of the people who read that blog (if anyone else did) disagreed with it as fervently as I did.  Yes, I know we must keep salacious sex and violence away from the kiddies and educate them on the dangers of unprotected sex, sex before marriage, sexually transmitted diseases, etc.  But this is a happily married couple (or at least they appear to be) showing their love and affection for each other.  There's no nudity or profanity involved.  Even the most religious, rigid rule-followers shouldn't object to that.  Yet, we have no problem with gratuitous violence in movies and even on TV or even sending the kids off to see those movies.  There's a reason some people are so uncomfortable with love and affection and more comfortable with violence and drama.

This is how all husbands and wives should behave in front of their children so they will know what love looks like.  Children imitate what they are shown. They learn what their parents teach them.  If we teach them love is a piece of paper that says we're married and give each other gifts on major holidays but don't show affection toward each other, that's a mighty dysfunctional lesson to pass on.  Sounds like some major hating going on to me- especially when all the high-tech televisions nowadays make it so easy to change the channel. 

Maybe it's not the affectionate behavior of the Neely's that really bothered the blogger but rather the Neely's themselves (as opposed to if it had been Paula Deen and her husband).  But that is another topic and post altogether.
Anyway, I choose to embrace love rather than hate on it.  I embrace what I embody and what I desire.

Spoiled

As an only child, I'm often asked if I'm spoiled.  As a matter of fact, people don't usually ask, they simply state that I must be spoiled.  I never hesitate to answer no or disagree because while I did in fact have most everything I wanted as a child, I never placed much value on material things.  I never threw tantrums when I could not get what I wanted and later in my teens, material things were not as easy to come by in my family.  However, thinking about it now, I would say that I was spoiled in one specific way- and that was when it came to having my own time and space.  I was and still am very accustomed to having my own space and not having to share that space with anyone else if I choose not to.  I don't mean to say that I like being alone all the time but when I do want time to myself, I want it right then.  I dislike being around people, especially a lot of people, for extended periods of time.  So, yes in that way I guess I am spoiled.
Although everyone is not an only child, I believe many of us have become quite solitary.  I'm currently reading a book Calling In the One: 7 Weeks to Attract the Love of Your Life by Katherine Woodward Thomas.  It's more of a course than it is just a book just to read.  Right now I'm on Week 4 but Week 2 was so profound that I had to share some thoughts on the lessons contained in it.  Thomas writes about the peculiar isolation that human beings live in, especially in the west as compared to some eastern cultures.  Although I've honestly never thought about this, it resonated so strongly when I read it.

She writes:

For though it may seem that we Westerners place a high priority on love, in truth, we don't.  In spite of our plethora of love songs, romantic comedies, and romance novels, we're basically a "me first, you later" society.  I would even suggest that our preoccupation with romantic love is a symptom of our inner poverty.  In Gila: Life and Death of an American River, author Gregory McNamee writes An anthropologist once asked a Hopi why so many of his people's songs were about rain.  The Hopi replied, "Because water is so scarce.  Is that why so many of your songs are about love?"

I can't argue with the fact that overall we tend to be a self-absorbed culture so constantly focused on the individual and rarely focused on others and the community.  So, perhaps it is true that our solitary existence has left us thirsty for love and the unity of being one with another.  Often, even when we find the love we seem so obsessed with, we are still focused keenly on "what's in it for me" rather than the virtue and benefit of loving without expectations.  Thomas likens the obsession with falling in love as opposed to sustaining love to stopping at foreplay.
So with all our high ideals and noble quests for romantic love, heart-wrenching love songs and happily ever after movies, how open are we to love?  I don't just mean Eros- that butterflies in your stomach, fireworks when you kiss, romantic love- but also Philos and Agape (not just from God to man but among all people).  Perhaps if we embraced and embodied a higher love we would see that all are truly one.
Much love ♥