Just Say No to a Pre-Nup

Not long ago a friend asked me if I would sign a prenuptial agreement if asked by my fiance.  I paused for a moment to at least appear to give it some thought before I answered no.  He (yes, he) then told me why he didn't like my answer.  He said that made it look like I was out to get what he had and that if the marriage didn't work out everyone should just walk away with what they had.  I listened attentively even though I'd heard that reasoning before.  I completely get that people don't want to be taken to the cleaners in the event the marriage goes sour and ends in divorce.  While marriage does involve a sort of business partnership, it is not supposed to be solely a business investment whereby people enter into it for the purpose of acquiring assets.

My answer came from a different slightly perspective though.  I think it's quite indicative of the culture we live in and the state of marriage that people immediately think of "if it doesn't work out."  Divorce is so commonplace that marriage is hardly viewed as a "til death do us part" covenant anymore.  For many people divorce is an option, an escape or a solution that is on the table even before the "I do"'s are said.  They may not speak of it to each other but in order for there to be a pre-nup it has to be on someone's mind.  I don't think this has always been the case.  Way back when I don't think divorce was as common an option as it is now and people entered into marriage with no expectation of an "end date."  Of course that could be bad in some cases as there are certainly situations where people need to separate and cut ties.  But, by and large divorce is entered into much more casually.  You should begin with the end in mind.  If you begin with failure in mind, what does that say about where you're headed?   

I would not sign a pre-nup because divorce will not be an option.  I fully expect there will be problems, issues, disagreements, fights, ups, downs, etc. I also fully expect that through all of that at the end of every day we will stay married come hell or high water.  We may not like each other very much on some of those days but doggone it we will still be married and work it out.  No, I'm not living in some Pollyanna world with rose-colored glasses on and my head in the sand.  I know I can't predict the future and something could happen to make me want a divorce.  That's all the more reason not to prepare for one from the beginning as far as I'm concerned.  If something catastrophic should happen (abuse, criminal activities, etc.) divorce lawyers aren't in short supply- even without a pre-nup.

Another reason I say no to a pre-nup is to make divorce difficult if ever it did come up.  Yes, you read that right.  People (men and women) might give staying married more consideration if getting divorced might cost them half of what they have.  Again, it's certainly not my desire to take what he has but I bet he'd think twice about signing the papers if he knew they might be one of the consequences of divorce.  If my intention upon getting married is to stay married permanently, why then would I want to make it easier for either of us to leave the marriage?  Again, I'm not talking about life-threatening or traumatic events like abuse or discovering he's an ax-murderer hiding body parts in the freezer.  In those cases, I guarantee you I won't be concerned about trying to get what he's got so much as just trying to get the heck away.  My point is that divorce is so perfunctory, careless and common and if the possibility of losing one's assets makes one think twice about ending a marriage, no pre-nup for me.  Some would say the high divorce rate indicates that marriage has become obsolete. I disagree.  Certainly it's not for everyone and that's okay. I think rather that it's a bigger indicator that we aren't honoring marriage and maybe entering into it too lightly.

My friend said he never thought about it that way.

Much love ♥

Love and happiness aren't for everyone

I recently ran across a blog post (not a recent one) complaining about the show "Down Home with the Neely's" on Food Network.  The author seemed to feel the Neely's were just too affectionate with one another with all their pet names and lovey-dovey banter ever so sweetly delivered with the cutest southern drawl.  The writer even said they were "not quite food porn" but might be a little too hot for TV.  When I went to search for the blog again, I ran across some message boards with similar comments. 

A scowl made its way to my face as I read the blog.  I can truly say it's not because I'm a die-hard fan of the Neely's.  While I have seen the show a few times, I don't even have cable.  So, I'm certainly not an avid fan.  The author suggested all their affection was a bit much for the Food Network and the powers that be might want to slap a PG rating on the show.  Really?  Really!

Have we become so stiff, unloving, cold, rigid and down right prudish?  I really hope not.  I hope that most of the people who read that blog (if anyone else did) disagreed with it as fervently as I did.  Yes, I know we must keep salacious sex and violence away from the kiddies and educate them on the dangers of unprotected sex, sex before marriage, sexually transmitted diseases, etc.  But this is a happily married couple (or at least they appear to be) showing their love and affection for each other.  There's no nudity or profanity involved.  Even the most religious, rigid rule-followers shouldn't object to that.  Yet, we have no problem with gratuitous violence in movies and even on TV or even sending the kids off to see those movies.  There's a reason some people are so uncomfortable with love and affection and more comfortable with violence and drama.

This is how all husbands and wives should behave in front of their children so they will know what love looks like.  Children imitate what they are shown. They learn what their parents teach them.  If we teach them love is a piece of paper that says we're married and give each other gifts on major holidays but don't show affection toward each other, that's a mighty dysfunctional lesson to pass on.  Sounds like some major hating going on to me- especially when all the high-tech televisions nowadays make it so easy to change the channel. 

Maybe it's not the affectionate behavior of the Neely's that really bothered the blogger but rather the Neely's themselves (as opposed to if it had been Paula Deen and her husband).  But that is another topic and post altogether.
Anyway, I choose to embrace love rather than hate on it.  I embrace what I embody and what I desire.